Paging Mr. Peanut...

Courtesy of New York Daily News (www.nydailynews.com) and Lloyd Grove's "Lowdown":

Two self-described computer geeks with a waggish sense of humor - D.J. LaChapelle of Alexandria, Va., and Jim Jonas of Denver - have just put up a new Internet site, TomCruiseIsNuts.com. The satirical site features choice quotes from the 42-year-old Cruise concerning Scientology, women in general and Katie Holmes in particular.

Four? Yes. Fantastic? No.

I enjoy the ever-disappearing American drive-in movie experience. Drive-ins were once plentiful across the land, but today they are as rare as people who believe Whitney Houston doesn't do drugs. Luckily, there is a drive-in theater near here that allows me to occasionally take in a couple of first-run flicks for the low, low price of only $6.

Last evening I went to this particular drive-in to see "Fantastic Four" and "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." The theater was overflowing with families, teenagers, and movie-goers who prefer to watch their stars under the stars. Perhaps the best thing about the overall experience is that you can remain in your vehicle in the comfort of your own "home," or, you can take a lawn chair and sit next to your vehicle if you don't mind inhaling a little cloud of dust now and then from passing vehicles driving past.

First up, Fantastic Four. Plot: A group of astronauts gain superpowers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Victor Von Doom. This latest comic book come alive flick stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis (The Shield), and Julian McMahon (Nip/Tuck).

The movie is appropriately cast and the acting is adequate and not over-the-top. If you liked X-Men, Spiderman, and the rest, you will assuredly like this one also. There are the obligatory laugh lines woven throughout the dialogue, and the story travels along nicely enough but is somewhat predictable. In the end, this one, like the others, comes down to "Good versus Evil." And as we all know, good triumphs. It has to, it's the law.

Chris Evans as the "Human Torch" has the clear breakout performance here. Expect to see more of him in the future. He's funny, free-wheeling, and as any girl from about 14-84 will attest, he's hot. And Jessica Alba is anything but "invisible" in her snug-fitting F4 superhero outfit. She is definitely fantastic to look at it.

While F4 doesn't disappoint, it certainly doesn't dazzle with anything new or unexpected. Hollywood knows the "safe and profitable" formula all too well these days and rarely ventures outside those bounds. For a Friday night at the drive-in on a warm Summer evening, it was fine. And sometimes, maybe that's enough.

For those who waited around until 12:25 AM to see the second flick, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," starring Brad Pitt and Anjelina Jolie, they were rewarded with a substantial dose of "Sleep-Ease." It wasn't horrible but it certainly won't be on the list of Oscar possibilities this year. M&MS is truly a "drive-in movie." If you understand that assessment, you know that's 'nuff said. Don't rush out to see it, it will be on DVD and pay channels soon enough.

Reviewing the reviewers.

Studio-whores. That seems to be the most appropriate description I can think of for people like Roger Ebert, Gene Shalit, and Peter Travers of Rolling Stone. The latter seems to like absolutely every movie he has ever seen. And why not? By offering positive reviews of movies, movie reviewers can rest assured that they will see their name in the numerous print and TV ads promoting the movie. Ego-stroking? You decide.

It's classic "give and take." I give a positive movie review, I take away a lot of perks...invitations to special events and parties, VIP access and treatment, and of course celebrity.

I suggest that instead of these same folks being given free access to the movies they review, let them pay to see the movies out of their own pocket. No more VIP advance screenings in quiet, uncrowded settings. Let them venture out to their local theater on a weekend like you and I generally do. Let them fight the crowds, pay for overpriced, tasteless concessions, endure the talking of fellow patrons during the movie, have their shoes stick to the sticky floors while sitting in too warm or too cold environments, and THEN have them write their "unbiased" review and see how their prospective changes.

As the old saying goes, "It's not wise to bite the hand that feeds you." And these folks rarely do.

Sign of the times.

"Marketing-speak" is everywhere--and no one seems to mind. Phrases like "Your call is very important to us..." and "It's our way of saying Thank you..." fill our senses, our day, our lives. And on occassion, you just have to laugh at the idiocy of the situation.

My current favorite is a small sign posted on the glass door of a Lexington retail clothing store which reads: "To our valued customers, we are no longer able to offer a public bathroom."

So let me get this straight... My business at this store is valued, unless I need to use the bathroom?

(Those of you who know me well know that I lack the ability or perhaps the gene which prevents one from speaking out in a situation like this... So of course, I did. I casually informed the clerk that the use of the word "valued" in that sign rang a bit hollow... He could only shrug in a gesture of body language that replied his defensiveness of the situation. Isn't blind loyalty a wonderful trait?)

Guest opinion.

Courtesy Joe Scarborough, MSNBC's "Scarborough Country." How long must we sing this song? America and its allies are attacked. We promise dramatic measures to repulse the enemy. And in the case of the Nazis or the Taliban, we do just that. Then contentment sets in. We stop listening to the warnings of the Churchills and instead focus on the speeches by rock stars and Hollywood actors.

When our world leaders get together, they focus on global warming and the cause of the moment, instead of fighting the war of our lifetime. But while the rock stars preach, our enemies scheme. While movie stars practice politics, suicide bombers plan how to kill the most innocent people with a single blast.

Our leaders may ignore anti-terrorism at G8 conferences these days, but that suddenly changes when the first reports of explosions come in. Then suddenly, that idiot Bush starts looking a bit better next to the likes of the Chiracs and Schroeders of the world. And Blair suddenly seems to have a more realistic grasp on global realities than, say, Bob Geldof.

I am sure many Americans would like to believe that this attack will awaken world leaders. But I doubt it. We live in a silly age. The age of Hilton. The age of Teddy. The age of Chirac. We are not a serious people. Some concern themselves more with terrorists' rights than civilization's future. Reporters work overtime demeaning the very troops who protect our land. And rock stars replace grim Cassandras like Bush and Churchill as the prophets of pop culture.

The results are almost always disastrous.

Today in London they were deadly.

I too want to be a Hilton.

I want to be a Hilton. Yes, an actual family member of the world-renown Hilton hotel namesake tribe that has given the planet the two platinum-blond party hoppers Paris and Nicky, and of course the media-ready matriarch of the clan, mother Kathy.

If I was officially a member of the family, that would authorize me to promptly adminster a well-deserved combination of sodium pentothal, pavulon and potassium chloride into the spindly arms of each of them. A lethal injection... And who could blame me? What court in the land would consider the act anything other than a mercy mission... A favor to society...

One second thought, a lethal injection would probably be a bit of overkill. The same end result could most likely be produced by simply handing them each a copy of the New York Times Crossword Puzzle and a pencil.

Trailer park.

The trailers for the upcoming major motion pictures Elizabethtown and Dreamer have been posted on their respective Web sites. I was a paid extra for these two movies, filmed partially in Kentucky last Summer. Both movies open in October.

Cruise (out of) Control...

It seems like good ol' transparent Tom Cruise is on television everytime I turn it on. That was a big clue that "War of the Worlds" must stink. This is the big "blockbuster" for the 4th of July weekend and the studio needs it to bring in big bucks. And it will. But it definitely stinks. There was absolutely no audience connection with Cruise as the lead character. He brought nothing to the role. Speilberg might as well have had Adam Sandler in the lead role. The only performance worth noting was that of the ever-present Dakota Fanning. Just how many movies is this young lady in these days? She's everywhere.

There is one particular "cellar scene" that seems to go on forever. It was at about this point I began to consider cheering for the aliens to win the war. And I won't waste a moment of time questioning the idiotic ending. (At least Morgan Freeman had the good sense to simply narrate and not appear in this yawner.) But maybe the real idiots are the forgiving folks who keep venturing into the theaters over and over hoping to be entertained a tiny little bit and not feel like they have once again been ripped off royally at the ticket window. Movie attendance is way down and Hollywood wonders why. Do any of the studio execs ever actually watch these reels of rubbish? Apparently not.

And yes, the latest Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes storybook romance is clearly no more than another thinly-veiled Hollywood publicity stunt designed to bolster the media coverage of their respective flicks. Think it's not a stunt? Count how long they stay together after their respective movies have faded from the Summer sun and hype... This relationship will be as short as Cruise himself.

Need another reason to fear others on the road?

It had to happen sooner or later and I can't say that I'm really surprised. I was driving behind a behemoth SUV last night and noticed through the window that the vehicle had a DVD player. But it certainly wasn't a Disney movie they were watching. It was clearly a porno video, no doubt about it. Mobile porn... Wonderful. As if cell phones, applying make-up, shaving, and reading while driving weren't enough distractions to some drivers...

If I had had small children in my car I would have been tempted to dial the police to report this rolling porn theater. Pulling alongside the SUV while passing I was surprised to discover that the driver was not a young male as I had mistakenly assumed---instead it was a middle aged female accompanied by another middle-aged female in the passenger seat. The rear windows were darkly tinted so it was impossible to tell who the passengers were in the rear seat who were watching the movie. WWLFT? (What would Larry Flynt think?)

I am not a prude. However, I don't condone this sort of brain-dead behavior. Keep it at home and not where someone's children may be able to see it. I'm confident it won't be long before this type of incident occurs where traffic tickets or arrests occur. How would you like to spend a few hours in jail for "pedaling porn"??